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Study: 98% of all Incoming Freshmen Know Exactly What They Want to do with the Rest of Their Lives

July 30, 2013

A Colorado State University study, which interviewed over 2,100 incoming freshmen, has found that 98% of future collegiate students know exactly what they want to do with their lives. “I definitely want to be a financial accountant,” said incoming freshman Payton Anderson, showing a remarkable, Zen-like acceptance that he would be spending much of his brief, 70-90 years in his mortal coil cooped up inside a cubicle. “I figure, there’s so much to experience on this beautiful, awe-inspiring planet, that I might as well just content myself to a nice office.” Anderson then gave a weary smile indicating a wisdom far beyond his years and added, “Why even try?” According to the study, the vast majority of all incoming freshmen—whose mothers were still cutting the crust off their bread as recently as last week—echoed Anderson’s statements. Ian Rictor, one of the remaining 2% who doesn’t yet know how he wants to spend the vast majority of his life, said of his undeclared status, “How am I supposed to know what I want to do with the rest of my life? It’s such a big world and I am so young and so small.” In a related poll, 70% of all grade school students have deemed dreams of being a fire truck, “impractical”. 

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